CEDEF Café
by cynically quixotic
Summary: Basil is a waiter at a café that seems to attract the oddest clientèle, including but not limited to his Spartan boss's enthusiastic admirer, the mysterious Reborn who everyone's sure is in the mob, and a certain latte-eyed, scarf-sporting bookworm.
1. Meet the CEDEF

**Welcome to my first KHR non-crackfic. It's Fuuta/Basil because Fuuta tops. I say it is so. I love this pairing to bits. It's my favourite after B26. I wasn't planning to do anymore writing for a while, but this brainfart popped up at **_**three in the fucking morning**_** screaming "Write me! Write me!" As if my insomnia wasn't bad enough. This is 6YL so Tsuna and Basil are 20, Fuuta is 15, etc. This makes the pairing a little awkward, but hey, if D18 exists...**

**I can relate with Tsuna as the two weeks I was a waitress were utter hell, but maybe that's because I'm extremely accident-prone and the only Chinese I really use is chi bai (translation: And this is how a right proper lady speaks).**

* * *

><p>The café didn't open until eight, so there was still an hour to go. Plenty of time to embrace the warm Sicilian sunshine, feel the cool breeze on his skin, listen to the skylarks chirping, enjoy the quiet, peaceful morning…<p>

"Listen up, maggots!"

… Or not.

"_Merda_," Turmeric groaned. "Lal's pissed." Basil wondered how he could tell. Lal was _always_ pissed. He'd heard rumours that she'd been a drill sergeant before settling down to work at COMSUBIN Café, as CEDEF had been called back then. Most of these rumours stemmed from Colonnello, a regular who used to work at COMSUBIN before transferring to a Mafia-themed amusement park. His cousin Reborn had never let him hear the end of it.

The owner of COMSUBIN, Anette Vindice, had sold off the café with Lal in it for an obscenely high price. Basil hadn't been working there then; he'd been hired by the new boss, Iemitsu Sawada, just a couple of months ago.

Basil liked Iemitsu; he was a family friend, even if he did have a penchant for awful jokes. They'd known each other for years, Basil having lived with Iemitsu when he was two and his parents had gone on a year-long business trip to London. Iemitsu had taken the opportunity to teach him to speak, and by the time his parents had returned, the damage was irreversible. Even extensive speech therapy hadn't managed to save him, and Basil's parents wept for what could have been.

"Iemitsu's just dumped a newbie on us," Lal announced. "Apparently his family's just moved here and his son needs job experience before university." Here she aimed a pointed look at Basil.

"New kid starts today. In fact, he should've been here half an hour ago. Don't look at me like that, Iemitsu's only just told me." Privately Basil wondered who would dare to look at Lal weirdly. Clearly, they'd never been on the receiving end of the Steel-Toed Ball Crusher. It was a wonder Colonnello still had a libido after all she'd put him through.

Basil's thoughts drifted to Tsuna. It had been a while since he'd seen his friend. Iemitsu lived in Italy and visited home once every other year at most. His family lived in Japan and while Tsuna visited sometimes, Nana always stayed behind. Things were probably different now that Tsuna was going to university, though.

Basil sometimes wondered how a family man like Iemitsu could live so far from his wife and son. He knew Iemitsu worked here, but as what, he really couldn't say. All he knew was that Iemitsu answered to a higher being named Timoteo Vongola.

Basil's musings were interrupted by a loud crash, a thud and a high-pitched _"Hiiiiiiiiiie!"_ Huzzah! Tsuna was here! Oh no. Tsuna was here.

Basil turned to catch Lal staring in utter disbelief at an orange-and-white heap on the polished floor. Poor Tsuna. He hadn't stood a chance from the beginning. Quickly, before Lal could recover, he hurried over to help Tsuna to his feet.

"Good morning, Tsuna," he said cheerfully.

"Ah, Basil, good morning," Tsuna blushed as he dusted himself off. This was _not_ how he'd wanted to make a good first impression.

Lal quickly recovered and headed over to lift Tsuna by his jacket collar. "You're Iemitsu's son?" Tsuna blanched in terror.

"Y-Yes, ma'am."

"Hm." Lal gave him a hard stare and dropped him. "I'll be having a word with Iemitsu later. Go with Basil, he'll show you the ropes." She stormed into her office and the door banged shut.

The atmosphere visibly relaxed. "She let thee off easy," Basil commented. Tsuna whimpered.

"I resign."

"No."

* * *

><p>After introducing Tsuna to Oregano and Turmeric, Basil instructed him as to which dishes were currently unavailable, handed him an apron, and proceeded to catch up on old times.<p>

"Haru's gone into fashion designing," Tsuna informed Basil. "And Kyoko-chan's working at Namimori kindergarten."

"What of that Hibari-san thou dost always speak of?"

"He's still in middle school."

"..."

"Shut up, maggots!" Lal roared. "It's ten to eight, get to your stations!"

Basil stifled a giggle as Tsuna automatically snapped a salute. Lal looked at him as though she thought Iemitsu had dropped him on his head as a baby. Basil wouldn't have been surprised.

Basil and Tsuna stood near the kitchen entrance where Luce was putting the finishing touches to her cookies. Oregano took her place at the salad bar while Turmeric positioned himself at the coffee machine. The mornings were for businessmen and -women. Afternoons were for everyone else. As the tinkling of the bell heralded their first catch of the day, Tsuna resigned himself to his fate.

* * *

><p>"T'was not bad for thy first day," Basil soothed. "Thou only broke four plates."<p>

"Lal's going to kill me," Tsuna moaned in despair. "Dad'll never let me quit, and she can't fire me - so she's going to kill me."

"Lal isn't that bad," Basil said reassuringly. "Thou wilt become accustomed with time."

_The next morning_

"VOOOOOOOOOOII!"

"You were saying?"

Basil studiously ignored him as he handed _signor_ Superbia his cappuccino.

* * *

><p><em>Two months later<em>

"Morning, Basil!"

"Good morning, Oregano, Turmeric."

"Bad news, kid." Lal poked her head out of her office. "Sawada's called in sick, so you're gonna have to cover his tables today."

"Is he alright?"

"He said something about a dog attacking him."

"Oh."

"Morning, hey!" A familiar blond dressed in blue and green strode into the café, entirely ignoring the Closed sign. Poor little sign, it just wanted to be friends.

The staff melted away into the kitchens. Luce glanced up from where she was icing a sponge cake. "What is it this time?"

"Colonnello's here."

"Oh, dear."

"What are you doing here, idiot? Can't you read?" Lal was obviously in a huff.

"Aw, don't be like that, hey. It's my day off, so I came straight here to see you."

Lal spluttered.

"You're still a tomboy? You really need to work on that, hey."

"ARSEHOLE!"

"So are you free tonight?"

**CRASH.**

"I'll take that as a yes."

_**BIGGER CRASH.**_

"Excellent! See you tonight, hey!" Colonnello ran for his life. Basil couldn't tell if he was a genius or just suicidal. They waited for the office door to shut before exiting the kitchen, munching Luce's surplus cookies. Thank heavens for Luce.

* * *

><p>Basil got back from his lunch break in time for a fresh batch of cookies. With ten minutes left, he called Tsuna, wondering why dogs hated him. Tactfully, of course. "Tsuna, why doth dogs hate thee?"<p>

"I don't know. I swear it was that damn Chihuahua from next door. Back home. That thing is stalking me."

"Tsuna, I doth not think it possible for a Chihuahua to follow thee from Namimori to Sicily."

"Tell that to the Chihuahua."

With a sigh, Basil promised to come speak to the Chihuahua, why good afternoon Mrs Sawada, how art thou, verily, it hath been a while.

"Mom, don't snatch the phone!" "But it's been so long since we've heard from Basil-kun..." "He came to dinner last night!" Basil hung up.

Oregano tossed him his apron and he caught it with practiced ease, deftly knotting the strings round his waist and retrieving his notepad from its precarious position in Lal's office.

Oregano nudged him. "Table 2. Go." Basil nodded. Tsuna had the first ten tables, while his were on the other side of the café. He was getting a lot of exercise today, rushing back and forth across the shop front. Still, at least he wouldn't feel so guilty for eating all those cookies.

Sitting at table 2 was a teenage boy with sandy hair and an enormous book thicker than his head. He was probably a high school student, although what student would willingly lug such a book around was beyond Basil.

The boy glanced up from his book as Basil approached. He looked a little confused when he saw Basil. "Is Tsuna here today?"

"He was set upon by dogs."

"Oh." For those who knew Tsuna, that was all that needed to be said. Basil took the boy's order and sloped off to the kitchens, idly noting that the book boy's eyes were the same colour as the latte he'd ordered.

* * *

><p>"Tsuna, thou doth knowest the boy at table 2?"<p>

"The one with the scarf and the huge-ass book? Yeah, why?"

"Just curious."

"His name's Fuuta. He comes in every Thursday for a latte. Just sits and writes in his diary thing most of the time."

"Dost thou knoweth what he writes?"

"I asked once. He says he's 'ranking' stuff. I don't even know."

It was a week before Basil saw him again. He'd been to Tsuna's house the night before to speak to the Chihuahua next door and had found it extremely non-threatening, though he acknowledged that it bore an uncanny resemblance to the one from Namimori.

"That's because animals like _you_," Tsuna sulked.

"I'm not afraid of them. They can smell fear."

"Smells like chicken."

"That's Luce's meat pie."

Fuuta left the café while Basil was taking a snack break with a slice of pie. Basil's breath caught in his throat as Fuuta met his eyes and smiled at him. He supposed he had choked on a bit of gristle. Luce looked insulted.

* * *

><p>"Godammit, Colonnello!" Lal seethed. "You can't drop in here at all hours!" Colonnello gave her a cheeky grin.<p>

"Why not, hey?"

"You-"

_Crash._

"Tsuna!"

"I'm okay… _Hiiiiiiiiiie!_" Colonnello was momentarily forgotten as Lal advanced on the clumsy brunette with great sadistic purpose and maximum collateral damage.

"He's getting tougher," Oregano observed.

"Yeah, normally he takes around twenty slaps to the face before he passes out," Turmeric agreed.

"That's my girl, hey!" Colonnello cheered.

Basil just smiled, his soft pale lips flecked with the remnants of his recently acquired latte habit.

* * *

><p><strong>So here's the deal. I could end this here, or I could write another chapter. I really, really want to, but I have no idea how to carry on from here. When I get more inspiration I might write the next chapter. Who knows, this could actually turn into a full-blown AU series, but I warn you now that updates will be infrequent.<strong>

**In other news, now that my tomato crate cosplay is done, I'm going to be Fran at Cosfest in June, and a friend is going as Belphegor. We haven't really worked anything out except that I'm supposed to go up to her and be all "Hey, sexy." I'm going to have a load of fun with this.**


	2. Omake: Why Colonnello Can't Have Kids

**I am in pain. I am in a lot of pain. This isn't just plain old pain. This is fancy pain. **_**This is pain with raisins in it.**_** Have I mentioned I hate the sun? Not the sun guardians, just the sun. And its heat. OHGODITBURNS.**

**So I've decided to make this a chapterfic. I might add other pairings in future chapters, but for now you get this short omake of the ColoLal not-date, with some more 284 thrown in. As for the nosebleeding, you can interpret that any way you want. For all my accident-proneness, I know jack about broken noses.**

* * *

><p>"I'm back, hey!" The café door banged open as Colonnello crashed through.<p>

"ASDF HJKL DBVGFASIWIG," said the door.

"Colonnello, you shouldn't do that," Oregano chided. "Lal will get mad."

"Lal will get mad about what?" Lal popped out of her office and narrowed her eyes. "Oh, it's you." She glanced at the café entrance. "Basil, what are you doing behind the door?"

"BFAFBAUOHAEOF," said the poor herbal sandwich. The boy with the scarf abandoned his book and hurried over to peel Basil from the door, and vice versa.

Basil slumped on the floor and groaned. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Hu?" Basil said dazedly through flattened lips, clutching his nose. The scarf boy patted him down, checking for signs of further injury.

"I think Tsuna's been rubbing off on you."

"Bethinks so doo." _Oh goodness he's touching me what do?_ Blood started flowing out of his battered nose.

"You might want to get some ice on that," the boy said worriedly. Basil's response was to lie on the ground and gurgle.

"What the hell are you doing here, maggot?" Lal demanded.

"I came to take you out, remember?"

"I never agreed to this!"

"You never said no either, hey."

_Flashback_

_"So are you free tonight?"_

_**CRASH.**_

_"I'll take that as a yes."_

**BIGGER CRASH.**

_"Excellent! See you tonight, hey!"_

_End flashback_

"Shit."

"Aww, come on. You wouldn't want me to think you have an objection to going out with _me_, would you?" Lal stared at him carefully.

"Colonnello, I have an objection to going out with _you_."

"Look me in the eye and say that again, hey." Lal stared him down, her brown eyes narrowed in suspicion. She took a deep breath.

"Colonnello-" His blue eyes were frank and open and honest, just waiting for her to say it.

"Colonnello, I… I…" A loud groan saved her. "I don't have time for this." She swept past him to where Basil was gurgling on the floor and hauled him to his feet, muttering death threats under her breath. Basil gurgled in reply, blood dripping over his apron. Scarf Boy stared after them worriedly, but there was nothing more he could do. He paid for his latte and slipped out quietly, his enormous book in tow.

Colonnello stood by and watched cheerfully as Lal half-carried Basil to her office, where the first-aid kit was. "So tomorrow night then?" Lal took the opportunity to knee him swiftly in the groin as she passed by. Colonnello went down as Turmeric winced sympathetically.

"She loves me, really," he gasped before passing out.


	3. From Fuuta with Love

**I have to work 200 hours at my school's café. Yes, I see the irony. No, I don't find it funny. Oh, who am I kidding? I find everything funny. I just don't want to spend my three-hour lunch periods **_**working**_**. Or any time at all, really. The perk is that I'm typing this on my BRAND SPANKING NEW notebook.**

**On an entirely related note FRAAAAAN. YOU'RE BACK. For like five panels and it's not even really you BUT STILL. HNNGH. (Bias what bias? I have no idea what you're talking about.)**

**Also, this story has no plot whatsoever. I don't have the energy to think up plots. It's more of a drabble series than anything else, all set in this AU and not necessarily in chronological order.**

**Had my first cooking practical today. Found a maggot in the rice. Found it only after I'd finished two bowls. Not writing my reaction here because it really isn't appropriate for younger readers. Here, have some rankings while I go throw up.**

* * *

><p><em><span>April 15<span>_

_Mathematics and Statistics_

_Number of times this book has been called a diary: 12_

_Weight of book: 4.8kg_

_Hence, the usefulness of this book as a melee weapon is off the charts._

**Haters gonna hate.**

_Bluebell, please find your own book to write in._

_Top 3 favourite things_

_1. My scarf_

_2. This book_

_3. CEDEF's caffè latte_

_No. of Tsuna-exclusive dog attacks: 72_

_No. of Tsuna-exclusive dog attacks this year: 26_

_No. of tables/chairs signorina Mirch has thrown at signor Tenente: 56_

_No. of instances signorina Mirch has caused grievous bodily harm to signor Tenente's vital regions: 18_

**Woah, vital regions. You sure you're not gay?**

_Get your own book._

**Bi then? Which is totally cool with me, bi the way.**

_Go away._

_P(school ends early today) = 1_

_P(Luce makes cookies) = 1_

_Aunt Luce's making cookies?_

_Not you too, Uni._

_Sorry. I'm hungry._

_**Translation: I can't concentrate because this is a relief period and signor Fulmine isn't here.**_

Lambo, don't tease Uni. It's not nice.

_**It's not teasing if it's true. Why are you even in this class?**_

Yes, it is. I'm here for extra credit.

**LOL. Uni, everyone knows about your crush on Gamma Fulmine.**

_**If they didn't, they do now.**_

_Bluebell, don't read notes out loud!_

We shouldn't be passing notes at all.

_**Oops, sub's looking this way.**_

_That's it. Everybody out. Now._

* * *

><p><em>Basic Microbiology<em>

_Genetic material of eukaryotes is surrounded by a membrane to form the nucleus; the DNA of prokaryotes is not_

_Eukaryotes have membrane-bound organelles within the cell; prokaryotes do not_

Fuuta? Are you alright? Only it's not like you to actually take notes.

_Latte. I need it._

Should I be concerned?

_Don't worry about it._

**Going back to CEDEF later? I bet there's a cute young waiter just waiting for you every week, longing for you, aching for your**

Bluebell...

_Not in the mood right now._

**So he's not young? That's okay; I've never said no to older men.**

Fuuta? Fuuta!

**ROFLMAO! Literal facebook!**

* * *

><p><em>CEDEF<em>

_No. of lattes consumed this year: 14_

_No. of Tsuna-exclusive dog attacks this year (revised): 27_

_No. of tables/chairs signorina Mirch has thrown at signor Tenente (revised): 66_

_No. of instances signorina Mirch has caused grievous bodily harm to signor Tenente's vital regions (revised): 20_

_Thought of the day: I look at ze cow, ze cow looks at me. I look at ze cow, ze cow looks at me. Ze cow is better looking zan me._

* * *

><p><strong>I feel I should apologise that this chapter was so short and not at all up to my usual standards. I was going to add more characters properly, with introduction and backstory and everything, but I think the maggot sapped all my creative prowess because this was all I could get out.<strong>

**I just realised that by throwing so many characters of different ages into the same classes, I'm messing with the 6YL timeline. AAAAARRGHH. I think I'll keep things this way, to avoid having my brain implode from overthinking and trying to work around it.**


	4. Arcobaleno Outing

_**"Hiatus fail."**_** - You**

_**"Shut up."**_** - Me**

_**CEDEF Café**_** has officially reached 320 hits. Aww, thanks. You guys are pretty awesome. Also, if you haven't already, go vote on the poll on my profile. Be totally honest. Hit the 'YOU SUCK STOP WRITING FOREVER' option if you want. Should I be surprised that every voter so far has gone for the B26 option? No, no, probably not. And yes, Mammon's a woman in this. Because I say so. If you see a name you don't recognise, it's a last name. All their last names have meanings. I'm not telling you what they are. Go Google them.**

**I realise that I've been using the author's notes at the top of every chapter as my personal rant post and I apologise but I doubt many want to read this shit anyway and just skip straight to the actual chapter so if any of you are reading this and want to drop a review, start with the words 'Bel is a sex god'.**

**You know what's sad? That Amano created such great designs for TYL!characters and then **_**never used them again**_**. Take Basil for instance. We only see TYL!Basil for like one panel. And every time I look at him he makes me rethink my whole 'Fuuta tops Basil y/y?' thesis. And then we skip straight back to the present and DAMMIT AMANO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CONFUSE ME ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PAIRINGS. GAH.**

**Also, I'm not going to use many honorifics here because the story is set in **_**Italy**_** and the majority of the characters are **_**Italian**_**. Don't **_**italics**_** look **_**nice**_**? **_**LALALA~**_

* * *

><p>"Welcome to Mafia Land, home of the - what the fuck are you doing here, hey?"<p>

"_Ciaossu_," Reborn drawled. "Nice to see you too." The two men locked eyes, leaned in close... and proceeded to commit intense self-inflicted brain damage by smashing their craniums together repeatedly.

"Colonnello, dear," Luce scolded. "That's no way to greet your cousin." Mammon shook his/her/its/moo head.

"You're too soft, Luce."

"I think Luce's a lot nicer than most of you," Skull offered. Reborn and Colonnello both flung various objects at him, including Reborn's pet chameleon and an enormous water rifle Colonnello was forced to carry as part of his uniform. Neither of them ceased their manly contest of establishing who the manliest man was the manly way. An ominous crack sounded from somewhere between their heads. Skull squeaked and scuttled over to take cover behind Luce's hat.

"Are we all here?" Fon looked over their highly conspicuous and probably illegal gathering. "Where's Lal?"

"She took the day off to plan our wedding." Everyone turned to stare at Colonnello except Reborn, who just stared harder.

"What?" Verde just shook his head, his spectacles glinting in the bright sunlight.

"Colonnello, the chances of Lal actually agreeing to spend two hours alone with you, much less the rest of her life, are less than-"

"Aw, geez, Hakase. Lighten up, hey."

"_You'd_ have to be crazy to want to spend the rest of your life with Lal Mirch," Skull pointed out. Reborn threw a tiny green revolver at him. It would have bounced off his crash helmet if he'd been wearing it. Instead, it smacked into a nose piercing and stayed there, looking like a bizarre booger and clashing terribly with his violet hair. Skull dropped like a stone, clutching his nose and trying to remove the revolver without ripping out a piercing. No one cared.

"Lal won't take kindly to you kidding about her marriage prospects," Fon reminded them all evenly. Colonnello fixed him with a blank stare.

"Who said I was kidding, hey?" Fon twitched as he suppressed the urge to introduce his palm to his face, trying to remind himself that he loved his friends, really.

... Really. He was pretty sure. About... ninety-nine percent.

An enormous black toad flew through the air and landed on Skull's motorbike, where it proceeded to ooze mucus quite comfortably in the driver's seat.

"Fantasma!" Mammon cried.

"My bike!" Skull wailed.

Fon sighed. _Make that forty-two percent._

* * *

><p>The gang of seven huddled together in the mafia-themed café, eating cookies Luce had brought along. Luce was applying ice packs to the deep purple bruises that had formed on the Tenentes' foreheads.<p>

"So, Luce," Colonnello began. "Where _is_ Lal, anyway?" Reborn glanced up from where he was nursing his bruise, then looked away again.

"She and Iemitsu closed the café today," Luce explained. "They went to see Timoteo about some financing." Colonnello looked disappointed.

"I thought she was coming today, hey."

"Yes, Colonnello, we all know you want to see her every waking moment," Verde commented drily. "That's classified under _true love_, which is a far kinder synonym for _psychopathic stalker_." Colonnello just laughed.

"She's caving, hey. I can feel it."

"Only because you ask her out every other day," Skull pointed out. He promptly ducked under the nearest person as his motorbike came soaring at him from Colonnello's general direction. Mammon slapped him as he crawled out from under her cloak.

"Mammon, stop screwing around with the lackey," Reborn ordered. Mammon looked scandalised.

"Faint heart never won fair lady, hey," Colonnello sighed theatrically. Everyone turned to stare at him again. "What?"

"I didn't know you could read," Verde said bluntly. Fon spotted the incoming crisis and was quick to avert it.

"Hey, Luce, how are Aria and Uni?"

"Oh, Aria's been keeping busy with that florist business of hers." Luce lit up immediately at the mention of her younger sister and said sister's daughter. "And Uni's doing well in high school, she's made so many new friends. They've been dropping by the café together regularly." She sighed happily.

"Speaking of cute young relatives, didn't you mention something about your kid brother?" Reborn addressed Mammon, who wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"Don't remind me. The kid's getting mixed up in all sorts of bad company."

"Aren't most of them your friends?" Fon raised an eyebrow.

"So are you," Mammon pointed out. "I don't want to know what kind of effect Xanxus and Squalo's debauchery will have on Fran. Not to mention _Lussuria_." She suppressed a shudder.

"I doubt it's them you'll have to worry about," Fon muttered. He remembered the last time he had seen the self-styled 'prince' all too well.

"Don't worry about him, hey," Colonnello said confidently. "The kid takes everything in stride."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Mammon said doubtfully. Her cell phone buzzed. She flipped it open and read the text aloud.

"_The gaylord's treating us to drinks at the strip club tonight. Don't wait up. Fran._" She blanched as she read in mounting horror.

"Oops." Colonnello shrugged, unconcerned. "Spoke too soon, hey." Mammon whimpered in distress.

* * *

><p>Evening fell. Mammon had rushed home to rescue Fran and dragged Skull with her as backup, to show an example of what could happen to Fran should he continue to fraternise with Lussuria and the rest of his depraved ilk.<p>

Verde had returned to his precious labs, while Fon was walking Luce home in return for more cookies. Only the Tenente cousins were left.

"You know," Reborn began conversationally. "You'd stand a better chance of winning Lal over if you stopped aggravating her."

"Details," Colonnello said dismissively.

"It's the details that make up the whole," Reborn reminded him. "I don't see the draw, personally, but to each their own."

"She's amazing," Colonnello countered.

"And you're a masochist who, judging by the number of tables and chairs she's thrown at you, will never be able to give her children." Reborn glanced at his watch and sauntered off into the looming shadows.

"_Buonanotte, cugino_," he tossed over his shoulder. Colonnello stared after him until he was out of sight.

"Reborn's a stupid name, hey."

* * *

><p><strong>Aaand here we have even <strong>_**more**_** characters introduced. I do believe I'm going a tad overboard with this. Join me. The water's fine. I hope it makes up for the crappy last chapter.**

**Unlike when I pick on Levi, I actually rather like Skull. It's probably all that purple eyeliner. IT'S SEXY OK SHUT UP.**


	5. Truth in Television

**The first poly semester is officially **_**over**_**. But no breaks for me, I've snagged a job at a posh brownie shop until my classmates drag me off to Malaysia with them next month in a futile attempt to get me to stop cackling at my notebook (named Workbitch Bartholomew II) and socialise like a normal human being, although I'm pretty sure normal human beings don't name their electronics and kitchen appliances.**

**Recently got addicted to Durarara! and Afterschool Charisma. It hardly comes as a surprise that my favourite character is Sigmund Freud.**

* * *

><p>"What are you guys watching?" Tsuna asked as he entered the café on Monday morning. The entire staff body were huddled around the largest table, on which was placed a slim, sleek laptop. Tsuna peeked over Basil's shoulder in time to catch the words shimmer across the screen in brilliant red and gold.<p>

"_Insegnante Privato Hitman Rinato!_" He read the title aloud as it faded out to be replaced with various shots of attractive - if rather effeminate - young men in odd clothing and odder hair. "What's this?"

"'Tis a fairly popular show," Basil explained, not taking his eyes off the screen, where a blond man with his forehead on fire was ripping off his pinstriped suit. Tsuna peered at him in disbelief.

"About... flaming strippers?" He hazarded a guess.

"About the importance of kinship and resolve," Basil stated patiently.

"Oh." Tsuna considered this titbit of information. "Never heard of it."

"Never heard of it?" Oregano looked horrified. "We'll have to fix that." She took Tsuna firmly by the shoulders - really, she was a lot stronger than she looked - and set him down firmly right before the compact screen.

"But... what about Lal? She won't like that you're slacking off on prep time. And we open in twenty minutes." Ordinarily he would have arrived an hour before opening, but he had been forced to take a detour after the Chihuahua next door had taken a sudden, fixed liking to his bicycle.

"Lal's got a headache this morning. She's having a lie-down in her office," Luce explained _sotto voce_. "She wouldn't have any of it at first - you know how she despises displays of weakness - but I made her see sense." Her voice was gentle and her smile peaceful as always, but Tsuna got the distinct impression that this was not a woman to cross.

"Don't worry about our Spartan. She won't give a shit what we do today," Turmeric added cheerily, his attention caught by some occurrence on the show. Tsuna directed his attention back to the bright screen. A child with fluffy green hair reminiscent of candyfloss, or sheep's wool, was lolling around on the floor. He had a small lightning bolt tattoo under one eye.

Going by his modest Italian vocabulary, the title roughly translated to '_Home Tutor Hitman Reborn!_' Tsuna wasn't entirely sure what home tutors had to do with hitmen, although he wouldn't be surprised if his own former tutor - here he suppressed a violent shudder - turned out to be a professional hitman himself. Reborn - the reminder was a tad unsettling - had taken it upon himself to whip Tsuna into shape both mentally and physically, although he couldn't deny that life had never been boring since Reborn had entered his life. Or that he rather missed the brutal man who had considered his duty done and left Japan during the intermission between Namimori Middle and Namimori High. Tsuna wondered what had happened to him and where he had gone.

He didn't have to wait long to find out.

* * *

><p>"So Giotto's head only catches fire when Rinato shoots him with those special bullets?" Oregano nodded vigorously.<p>

"Yeah. He stops stripping by the end of the second season, though."

"Spoiler alert!" Turmeric called from where he was preparing three espressos. He slid them all deftly onto a tray with an ease born of practice and passed it to Tsuna. "Table 23, three espressos. Careful with those, they're hot."

Tsuna juggled the tray laden with caffeine as he wove his way between tables. He was rather proud of himself, given that he hadn't broken more than two plates that month, and only spilled food once. He wasn't about to break that lucky streak anytime soon, so he took extra care to concentrate on his feet.

_Step to the right, don't jostle the trays, tuck and roll, slip between tables, dodge Moretti, duck and cover - oops, sorry, Basil._

"'Tis alright," Basil gasped, hopping on his good foot. He hopped all the way back to Lal's office for the first aid kit.

"Still as clumsy as ever, No-Good Tsuna." Tsuna froze, not daring to turn around. He'd recognise that voice anywhere, be it in a small Sicilian café...

"_Ciaossu._"

... Or in a smaller house in Namimori.

But that had been years ago. He was a man now. Surely he could face his former tutor without backing down-

"R-Re-Reborn!" Perhaps not.

"Long time no see," Reborn drawled, eyeing up Tsuna's lean frame approvingly. "At least you haven't put on as much weight as I expected you to. It would have undone all my work." Tsuna opened his mouth to speak, but was forestalled.

"I know you're dying to ask. I've been in Sicily doing odd jobs since leaving Namimori. That's all you're going to get." He narrowed his eyes. "Enough about me. Have you been keeping in touch with all your old friends? I've told you before, you need to make connections. If you can't protect yourself - and if you can't this fork goes up your nose - find someone who can."

Tsuna made a sound like a strangled moose, opting to scope the rest of the table rather than answer.

"Colonnello? _Dad?_" Iemitsu sported a hearty grin, pulling his son into a crushing embrace. Reborn and Colonnello calmly rescued their drinks before they crash-landed.

"Dad!" Tsuna sputtered, extricating himself from his father's grasp. "What are you _doing_ here?"

"Can't stop long, I'm afraid. We're here on business-" "And to see how Lal's doing, hey!" "-so I'll be back late tonight," Iemitsu sighed. "Tell your cute mother that every second without her is like an eternity of toenail clippings." He paused in consideration. "And dandruff."

"Where _do_ you get your metaphors, Iemitsu?" Reborn commented drily. "Going by your record, they seem to work, and my _favourite_ cousin here could use the advice."

Colonnello opened his mouth to retort, or perhaps he was only drawing breath in preparation for more manly skull-cracking, and Tsuna took the opportunity to scurry back to safety.

* * *

><p><em>"Stupid sheep!" "Idiot G!" "My, my, calm down, you two!"<em>

"Are they always like this?" Tsuna questioned. The staff were huddled in the break room, clustered once again around the vivid screen.

"Sure." Moretti dug into another muffin from Luce's Staff Supply. He broke open the plump crown, savouring the fresh, warm steam and the fluffy, light pastry, with tiny raisins buried like treasures. "There's more action in the next arc, though. Watermelon bag of dicks and all."

"And the best part is it's _based on a true story_," Oregano supplied eagerly. Tsuna followed her gaze up to a worn portrait hanging on the wall. The handsome blond man stared him down with ice-blue eyes, seeming to reproach him for daring to eat muffins during lunch break. Beneath the portrait was a polished plaque reading _Alaude Vindice: COMSUBIN/CEDEF founder_. On the screen, the same man, albeit a little younger, was twirling a pair of handcuffs and making violent threats in a manner as cold and unforgiving as his eyes.

_"Stop crowding, you weaklings."_

Oregano sighed rapturously.

"Oregano fancies him," Turmeric smirked. Oregano made no move to refute this statement.

"Who doesn't?"

* * *

><p>"Tsuna!" Fuuta waved the brunet over to his regular table, a huge grin stretching from ear to ear.<p>

"Fuuta?" Tsuna checked with his mental calendar to assure himself that he had not gotten the day wrong. "It's Monday."

"We went on a field trip to the Regional Museum in Messina," Fuuta explained, already starting to scribble in his massive book.

"Right," Tsuna said distractedly. It was weird, how a slight shift in routine could throw him off entirely, or maybe Reborn had just had a stronger effect on him than he realised. He wondered what Alaude, their illustrious founder, would have to say about it. "Your usual?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Fuuta responded dreamily, making notes on sculpture and paintings. He didn't look up until a slightly longer shadow than he was accustomed to fell over him.

"One _caffè latte_, extra milk, and a chocolate drop to the side. Am I correct?" Fuuta glanced up to see the man with the very blue eyes.

"Yeah, that's right." He smiled warmly. "Is your nose feeling better? I'm sorry, I still don't know your name..."

The man flushed lightly, presumably embarrassed at being reminded that the last time they had met, he had been dying at Fuuta's feet. "'Tis better, thankee. I am afraid Tsuna has had rather a shock; we did not expect thee 'til Thursday. I am called Basil." Fuuta had to raise an eyebrow at that; surely that form of speech was rather _dated_, not to say _archaic_. It reminded him of Shakespeare, Austen, Alcott and the like, although Shakespeare had always been his favourite.

"Basil." He tried out the name, pleased to find that it rolled off his tongue with ease. "That's a nice name," he offered, and mentally kicked himself. Of all the clichés in the world to choose from, that had been _abysmal_.

Basil's eyes were resting on his book with frank curiosity. "Dost thou enjoy writing?"

"It's just a way to organise my thoughts," Fuuta said. "A bit like a journal, you could say, or a notebook, although nearly everybody at school calls it a diary." Easy, light conversation was the safest, and the quickest way to put anyone at ease. Basil was starting to relax visibly.

"And thou dost write every day? 'Twould not be surprising if thou were to consider it as a career." Fuuta couldn't say he hadn't considered it, but it was hardly a practical option. Writers didn't earn half as much as the world thought they did.

"It's no trouble to me; it's more of a habit than anything else. I do know a few tricks of the trade, though."

"Such as?" Basil's eyes were bright with genuine curiosity, and Fuuta found himself willing to amuse his audience. He gestured towards a table in the centre of the café, where three men sat. Tsuna had seemed rather familiar with them; indeed, any regular patron would recognise the enthusiastic blond dressed in green army camouflage.

"The rule of three. It's popular in fairytales, and used for dramatic suspense and build-up. Three bears, three blind mice, three witches."

"The Scottish play," Basil offered, and he nodded appreciatively, pleased that Basil had caught the reference.

"Then there's a trick nearly every writer pulls, of using at least one long, obscure word in each story. It makes them sound smarter," Fuuta explained epexegetically.

Basil laughed then, and Fuuta thought it was a welcome, pleasant change from the rough clamour of the school halls he was so accustomed to. "It sounds so very simple, when put thus."

"Most things sound simpler than they really are," he returned. He would have liked to continue their conversation from this rather poetic statement, but Tsuna bustled up just then, looking harried.

"Basil! Sorry I made you take over my tables too!"

"'Twas no trouble. Art thou feeling better?"

"Yeah, sure. Did you get the lat-oh, that was quick. But you'll want to get cracking, Lal's just found out Colonnello's here and she's-" An unearthly racket sounded from the confines of the soundproofed office. Tsuna winced. "-she's not very happy about it."

It wasn't until after Basil had moved off to cover the neglected side of the café that Fuuta realised his latte had gone cold, and that the frothy milk over the top had spread into the shape of a heart.

* * *

><p><strong>I feel like I sprinkled the text with random italics. I just realised that Moretti is technically part of the CEDEF, but he doesn't even have his own character tag. I imagine Fuuta would be very observant because of his need to rank things.<strong>

**Who would you like to see Tsuna paired with (if I add any more pairings, that is)? I shipped 1827 with a burning passion - that is, until Tsuna met Enma. 1827 or 2700? That is the question.**


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